My friend, Vanessa, is the thriftiest big spender I know.  V. admires my frugality, and considers us kindred in our goals.  Oft times, she considers herself my superior in thrift.  Over the 5 years she’s lived alone in her 2-bedroom Chicago condo, she’s filled the place to bursting with things.  Cheap things.  Lots and lots of them.

Yes, you can make it yourself, but will you?

First, Vanessa is crafty.  She never buys something she can make herself.  But, then again, she doesn’t make anything for herself.  She will occasionally make something for someone else, usually completing the project long after the event for which it was appropriate has passed.  So, Vanessa’s corners are filled with many, many bolts of fabric, her drawers have various small pieces of hardware in them, and under beds and chairs are broken, torn, and half-finished items waiting for care. 

My crazy suggestion is to spend $15 on a whole item, rather than $5 on pieces.  It’s the difference between $15 well spent and $5 wasted. 

It IS a gift, but you still spent money on it.

In Vanessa’s mind, the giver of a gift is absolved of fiscal responsibility.  I believe, however, mitigating a shopping spree should involve returning the items, not wrapping them.

Vanessa’s boyfriend, John, went out for drinks on a coworker’s birthday.  John invited Vanessa to join them.  She brought a gift for the coworker.  The gift was something she already had at home.  She was the only person with a gift for this man, and felt the other folks were terrible for not having gifts, including her boyfriend. 

It’s a rare grown man who expects a birthday gift from a coworker’s girlfriend at impromptu drinks.  If you’re the only gift-giver at the event, that does not make you better than everyone else, it means you’ve incorrectly evaluated the event or your relationship to the recipient.  If an event MIGHT require a gift, bring a card. 

Does a casual dinner with good friends require one of the 8 rugs you bought on your trip to Vietnam?  No, it does not.  A thank-you and reciprocation are all that is needed.  

Generosity does not excuse poor self-control.

Perfectly good… at taking up space.

Five years ago, Vanessa bought a bolt of silk for a low price in a hard-to-find color that was perfect match for her bedroom.  She was going to turn it into a duvet cover.  Five years later, it’s still sitting there, and she’s bought a duvet cover.  Will Vanessa turn the silk into something else?  No.  Will she give it away?  No.  Why?  Because “it’s perfectly good”. 

My, again, crazy thought is that stuff you’re not using should be donated to charity.  This is blasphemy to Vanessa.  She wasted $42 on the bolt, lost the space it takes up, and has REFUSED a tax deduction of probably $10.

A few months ago, Vanessa’s basement storage unit, filled with “perfectly good” items she had no need of, sprung a leak in the ceiling.  Most of the things inside are damaged.  What did she do with them?  They’re still in the unit.  Vanessa’s keeping them as evidence, and won’t part with any of them until she gets the management company to agree to reimburse her for her loss.  To suggest that the management company did not cause the leak, and therefore is not responsible for the loss is too much logic for Vanessa.  In the interim, the leak can’t be repaired, because all the stuff is in the way.  Vanessa’s stacked her latest “perfectly good” items outside the unit despite her neighbors’ complaints.

It makes no sense to spend oodles on friends, yet give nothing to charity.  Vanessa's greed caused her to lose out on some sizeable tax deductions, and now a lot of what she had is ruined.

Maybe it’s cheap for a reason.  Maybe it’s… JUNK.

I believe almost religiously that some items are cheap because they are no good at all.  And, other items, occasionally, are used up.  I call these items junk.  I believe junk belongs in only one place:  the garbage.  However, some people, yes, even members of my own family, do not believe junk exists.  Junk was a four-letter word in my grandparents’ household, as if mentioning it exposed a serious flaw in the speaker’s character or mental ability.

One Christmas, I forgot a doll at my grandparents’ house, and remembered just in time for us to catch Grandpa retrieving the garbage my mother had neatly bagged and taken out.  He was salvaging wrapping paper and plastic dinnerware.  From then on, my mother took the trash out to the trunk of our car.

Some of the items sitting in front of Vanessa’s storage unit are pieces of a bedroom set abandoned years ago by an old roommate.  The roommate bought the set cheap and used from CraigsList.  The finish on all the pieces is scratched.  The bed is missing slats.  The sizing is odd.  The style is unattractive.  I can see why the roommate abandoned the furniture.  But, Vanessa is sure the set is worth a mint because she has decided it is “vintage”.  She’s going to sell the set on eBay… except she just doesn’t have the time right now. 

Here, her supposed thrift is risking her a daily fine levied by her condo association.

Buying in bulk is weighing you down.

As a single person, or a couple, or even a family of three, there is very little you need to buy in bulk.  Staples, yes.  Essentials, yes.  Basics, yes.  Ochre?  Oh, friend…

This year, Vanessa started buying groceries in bulk to save money.  Vanessa also gained 20 lbs.  Coincidence?

When asked how many bags of frozen raspberries a person really needs, she replied, “They were on SALE”.  Sales are fine when they coincide with what you were already going to buy, but buying something (especially a LOT of something) just because it’s on sale is a mistake.  It’s how you end up with 5 bags of frozen raspberries in your freezer, 4 packs of double-stuffed Oreos in your pantry, and 20 extra pounds on your butt!

I suggest extra food be stored at the store, instead of at home.  Being overweight will cost a person their health and confidence, and those are more valuable than any amount of money.

Folks, saving techniques only work if they’re used with sense!  Otherwise, you can actually COST yourself money!  Those practicing frugality should have a Hippocratic Oath.  Something like this: 

I will not spend unnecessarily.  I will apply frugal techniques for good and not greed.  I will have the few things I need, and not pieces and pieces everywhere.  I will live in a decent, neat and clean space, not in a home crammed full like a crazy person.  I will avoid interest, fines, tickets, and fees.  And, I will never bet my health against my wealth as I will surely lose that gamble.

Amen.